Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 April 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 April 2024 |
A stranger's advice
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
It's Starting To Rain
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system...
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."
The only way down...
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.
He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"
Mommy Mommy 03
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat
Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat. Miracle whip
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?A: Miracle Whip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Subway Party
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?"
he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
A cowboy walks into a bar, sit...
A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!" The Sentence
A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
More of the best Christmas cracker jokes
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
10 years ago we had Johnny Cas...
10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. K9 Is For Assistance
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
